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Elf vs. Orc 5Sings-to-Trees's primary thought through the whole violent encounter was Not the throat again!

His neck hurt. He felt like a troll had used his esophagus as a dance floor. This could not be healthy. If he lived through this, he swore he would be nice to his throat for the rest of the year. Hot teas. Scarfs during winter. Anything.

For awhile, he didn't think he was going to live to see sunrise, let alone winter.

Then she'd apologized. The orc had stood there, with a distinctly sheepish expression on her face, and she'd apologized.

None of his patients ever apologized. Most of them couldn't talk, and it didn't seem to occur to the ones who

Elf vs. Orc 4She let him go. She couldn't do much else. He was an elf, sure, but there were rules, and you didn't kill healers and you didn't kill priests.

The rage had to go somewhere. You couldn't go from halfway to gnawing your shield back to normal just like that. Celadon swallowed it, bitterly, the stone shattering, the red sea pouring through the wreckage. She threw her head back and snarled with the pain.

The elf lay sprawled on the ground beside the bed, holding his throat, his eyes closed. He was breathing in tight little gasps. She could have stomped on his head, but of course she wouldn't.

She was furious. Mostly at herself, truth be told. I

Elf vs. Orc 3Sings-to-Trees was being strangled.

He'd always expected a patient to kill him some day, but he'd thought he would be a lot older, and it would be an angry bull or a careless moment with a manticore or something along those lines, with an outside chance of being crushed under a nearsighted troll. He really hadn't anticipated anything like this.

The orc had been giggling to herself for a few minutes, and when he tried to talk to her, she only giggled harder. He didn't know if she could speak any of the languages, or if she was so delirious that she wasn't even hearing him. He had no real idea what the normal temperature for an orc was, but h

Elf vs. Orc 2Celadon Toadstool was delirious.

The funny bit—uproariously funny, it seemed to her—was that she knew she was delirious. The world was billowing around her. It looked as if someone had meticulously painted the inside of a cottage on silk, and then hung it in a gentle breeze. The corners floated inward and collapsed back out again with a sigh.

That someone would go to all that trouble, painting a cottage on silk, was hilarious.

She knew she was wounded. She couldn't quite remember how she'd been wounded. Imagine not remembering a thing like that!

This also struck her as hilarious.

Her name, in Orcish, was Urrsharruk-gah, and she had skin

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Submitted: February 23, 2009
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Angel And Devil Phalloiby `ursulav

Traditional Art / Paintings / Surreal

Mature Content

Sooner or later, if I do a series, particularly an adult series, people start saying "When are you going to paint something else?" (I know, because it happened as soon as I posted the first one in AGES--there'd been nearly a dozen images and several months between phalloi, but the minute one comes up, somebody starts whining that I'm painting them AGAIN. This is always accompanied by other squees of joy that yay, I'm painting them again! This is the glory and terror of the internet.)

The short answer to this question is "When I Damn Well Feel Like It."

The long answer is that in the past month, I have painted over seventy illustrations for my next book, and believe me, if you were doing cute wholesome illustrations day in and day out, world without end, you'd be frothing to paint phalloi too. I love my job, it is arguably the best job in the entire world, it is absolutely the only one that I am suited to, but the same urge that drives me to play Resident Evil 4 while writing the books drives me to painting these guys while illustrating them. Vital parts of my brain need adult time, and you can only shoot zombies for so long.

So, there will be phalloi as long as I feel the urge to paint phalloi. And the next time I get halfway through a project calling for 140+ illustrations--i.e. June--there will probably be MORE phalloi. It seems to be part of my coping mechanism. Go figure.

ANNNYWAY! Enough outta me, the original here is 8 x 11 or thereabouts, mixed media, for sale, prints are available, send a note or visit [link] for details. Yes, I will probably be offering the whole phalloi series in mini-print packs, and since people keep requesting a poster, we'll see what we can put together at some point in the future...

Also! People are asking if they can do...god help us all..."phalsonas" of their own. Please, feel free, I'm delighted by the notion--if you want to throw a link back to one of my phalloi that's great, and please, send me an image! I'm enjoying seeing these (and lord only knows what that says about me...)