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I am female.

I am not girly. I am desperately ungirly. I look good in pink, but I feel guilty about it. For various reasons*, I would sooner belly-crawl through broken glass than buy anything marketed "for girls!" or "for women!" And I resent the fact that feminine products have me, as it were, by the short hairs in this regard.

And so, a year or so ago, I decided that I wanted a new brand of tampon. Something that was not girly, that was not pastel, that did not have flowers, and which did not make my ovaries curl up and die of shame. I do not mind having a period--I'd rather not, but eh, goes with the territory--but I detest the marketing.

It's time for a rugged new brand. A brand no one will ever call "girly." A brand you can take to the checkout counter and meet the clerk's eye while you buy it, and if they say a word, you have 'em tied to the mast and flogged.

Blackbeard the Pirate's Rugged Tampons. A product you can trust, from a name you can't!
-----------------------------

You can buy prints of this for $10 and $20, plus shipping. You almost certainly won't, I realize, unless you have a penchant for bathroom decor that sends your houseguests out of the room looking slightly green, but on the off chance that you are that strange person, you can send me a note or visit [link] to order!

(Yes, yes, booty jokes, I know...)

*The fact I wasn't allowed to have a Skeletor action figure as a child being chief among them...
Add a Comment:
 
:iconkitalia-emme:
kitalia-emme Featured By Owner May 25, 2016  Professional Writer
I love this, absolutely love this. It crushes me how pink and flowery the world is as a way of putting labels on people. I wish this was a tampon brand, because that is one I would totally get behind.

Sad thing is, for the same reason that 'girls can't' I worry about my son, who wants to be an actor and a dancer, and has already heard the words 'boys don't'

I feel your pain from two different angles and generations. 

We need a company like this, not just tampons, but undergarments, swimwear, and other specifically female items that we all end up needing at some time or another. 

I cannot love this enough.
Reply
:icondanrstevenson:
DanRStevenson Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2016
Best commercial ad ever!
Reply
:iconblackshadow6202:
BlackShadow6202 Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
There is NOTHING flowery and happy about my period. :stare:

It's painful, it's disgusting, and I hate it. I don't use tampons. :' I don't see a reason to. I mean...It's not like I'm going to swim or anything. =^= For pete's sake, I'm usually curled up in the FETAL POSITION IN SEARING PAIN for the first TWO DAYS. After that, I'm like "Don't TOUCH me, don't LOOK at me, DON'T MAKE ME MOVE. :stare:".

But anyway....I shall never understand why they're always like happy and free and stuff in the advertising for these things.

And the ones with scented stuff...NOPE. 8I I DON'T want to find out if I inherited my mom's inability to handle most perfumes THAT way, thank you! I might be uncomfortable in my period, but I DON'T need to add ANYTHING ELSE to it, thanks!

.....that said, pads being advertised with pirate stuff would just be AWESOME. oUo
Reply
:iconkim-bryan-art:
Kim-Bryan-Art Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2014  Student Filmographer
Love the slogan! I know how you feel about that action figure -as a teen I was into Lego Bionicle in which everyone looks like a robot! I got sets, but it was horrendously awkward.
Reply
:icondragonxbird:
DragonXBird Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2014
I  enjoy girly sometimes, but I don't think anything dealing with blood should be girly. I would definitely buy these. Does Blackbeard do pads as well?
Reply
:icondoryishness:
doryishness Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2014
You underestimate my penchant for weirding out my house guests. As soon as I get my paycheck next week, I'm buying this and hanging it in my bathroom. I've always wanted it and now that I've paid off all my bills, I'm getting it. 
Reply
:iconsesmyczek:
sesmyczek Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Clever, witty, hilarious and two fingers up to stereo-typical female branding. awesome :)
Reply
:iconpookygurl:
PookyGurl Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2014
hysterical!! I would so buy them :)
Reply
:icontheflashisgone:
theflashisgone Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2013
This is awesome. I want these.
Reply
:icontao-mell:
Tao-mell Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This totally made my day :D. I would definitely buy these!
Reply
:iconlady-angelkitten:
Lady-Angelkitten Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I NEED THESE. THESE NEED TO BE REAL.
Reply
:iconhardrockangel:
Hardrockangel Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This is absolutely brilliant. :lol:
Reply
:iconofroakiestaro:
OFroakieStarO Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2013
Why the Mature Content?
Reply
:iconofroakiestaro:
OFroakieStarO Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2013
Forget that. I see now. XD
Reply
:iconraqonteur:
Raqonteur Featured By Owner May 13, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Hahaha.
Brilliant.
I was gonna say tongue-in-cheek... but given the subject matter I'd probably better not :P
Reply
:iconlayeobright:
LaYeobright Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2013
"Blackbeard's Rugged Tamp- wait, what?? *clicky* .....*SNORT* AHAHAHAHA!" If I were ever to buy tampons, it'd have to be these! xD
Reply
:iconmisssparkle1:
MissSparkle1 Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2013
lol, I just took my brother's action men when I wanted to play with them. Advantage of having a brother that doesn't mind you doing so, meaning I didn't need to ask for 'boy' toys. I'd just ask for the 'girl' ones and then mix them with his. much more fun, lol. Not that I was very girly, I loved outside games and building dens, going on adventures ect.

Heh, I can't help but feel that if this product was real, there would be a lot of boys accidently picking it up before realised what it was. Some might not even look at it properly until they got a funny look at the till. Although it would make it easier for guys ordered by their girlfriends/sisters, ect to pick up tampons.
Reply
:iconblackshadow6202:
BlackShadow6202 Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I'd go without the period, or at least the cramps if it was up to me. OnO And I never did understand why they always have frilly, fu-fu, girly marketing for femanine things like tampons and pads. What's so pretty about one's period? I'm an emotional MESS during that time. Not to mention constantly tired...
Reply
:iconofroakiestaro:
OFroakieStarO Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2013
I know how you feel.
Reply
:iconkingpin2007:
Kingpin2007 Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
roflmao. This is awesome. I know quite a few people who would gladly buy this if it were an actual product xD
Reply
:icondelphipsmith:
DelphiPsmith Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2012
LMAO! This is brill...
Reply
:iconmajadalgaard:
MajaDalgaard Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This just made my day, thank you!
Reply
:iconkuraiapocalyptax:
KuraiApocalyptaX Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I need to buy these.. To put them on my bathroom counter and make people wonder c:
Reply
:icondamselstock:
DamselStock Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
:pirate:This needs to exist on the shelf next to Boudreaux's Butt Paste diaper rash cream (it's a real product!) I just love this so much... :ahoy:
Reply
:iconsherlockianhamps:
SherlockianHamps Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Sales pitch please ;_; these need to exist.
Reply
:iconkissofcrimson:
KissofCrimson Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2012
I saw this and laughed my ass off. Great idea. :D
Reply
:iconkhaelhawkins:
KhaelHawkins Featured By Owner May 19, 2012
My friends refer to that time of the month as shark week. This is awesome.
Reply
:iconspookykook:
SpookyKook Featured By Owner May 4, 2012
I am utterly terrified of tampons (many a scary lecture of the dangers of TSS as a young git), but I would buy these. If only to say I had them.
Reply
:iconzoedow1120:
zoedow1120 Featured By Owner May 2, 2012
lol
Reply
:iconannepeck:
AnnePeck Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
my feelings exactly. Love it
Reply
:iconthis-is-an-outrage:
this-is-an-outrage Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012  Student General Artist
LOL. I totally agree with the comment. I hate the girliness, even though I am feminine looking and shit. I would buy these. All the time.
Reply
:iconrenaiya:
Renaiya Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012
This has got to be the best product ad I've ever seen, even counting real ones. Why don't you pitch this to Tampax, or one of the other brands?
Reply
:iconnochristmasjokesplz:
NoChristmasJokesPlz Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
XD When I walk up to the counter, I meet the clerk's eye, especially if they're male, and just say with my eyes "Yes, my vajayjay bleeds every month, wanna fight about it? CUZ I'M IN NO MOOD, MAN. NO F***KING MOOD."

NO SKELETOR?! BLASPHEMY. XD I played with my brother's action figures (mostly Power Rangers and Max Steel) more than I played with my Barbies past the five years old mark. I started playing with my Barbies again when I was, maybe, eight. >D My favorite thing to play with them with was my "Redneck Guillotine." It was a clipboard and a shovel. I'd clip Barbie's pretty blonde hair to the board, stand over her, and chop her head off by slamming the blade of the shovel down as hard as I could. Good times.
Reply
:iconcrunchfarm:
crunchfarm Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2012
OMg i LOVE this you have an amazing sense of humor!
Reply
:icon13thfallenangel:
13thFallenAngel Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2011
It's been years since I've favved this but I still love this to death!
Reply
:icononegoldenapple:
onegoldenapple Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2011  Professional General Artist
This is the best thing ever.
I would totally buy this brand, if I had to pick one.
Reply
:icontainted-oktober:
Tainted-Oktober Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2011  Student Artist
I'm thinking of buying this for my friend for Christmas! (hopefully, my financial aid will kick in before then) : /

I adore this!
Reply
:iconxarratha:
Xarratha Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2011
If I had money, I would buy a print of this. If. :/

Possibly the coolest thing I've ever seen, IN MY LIFE. Made my day.
Reply
:iconamerime:
amerime Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2011
OMG, I sympathize so hard. BTW, I think I might be the kind of person who might hang this in her bathroom for laughs . . .
Reply
:iconi-am-the-zombie:
I-am-the-Zombie Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2011
You need a line of pads too!
Reply
:iconsenora-loco:
senora-loco Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2011
....pfffffft X'D

YOU HAVE JUST MADE MY DAY

YOU REALLY DID

IN FACT

THIS PALES EVERY OTHER DAY MY DAY WAS MADE WITH ART


I WANT THIS ON MY WALL.
Reply
:iconskyrere:
skyrere Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2011
I love you for this. XD
Totally female here, and also completely repelled by the "not so fresh" marketing.
Why do all the PROBLEMS men have get marketed vague with no details but that it's for men, and commercials for women come right out and say "Does your Vag stink? Try Masengil douche!"
rofl
Once I have a job, I am definitly going to order this from you... Maybe as a T-shirt XD
Reply
:icondongzhongshu:
dongzhongshu Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2011
Absolutely epic!
I'd love to see you do the same for condoms.
Reply
:iconelectricdawn:
electricdawn Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
this is the most hilarious thing I've seen in a long time! :clap:
Reply
:iconsbalesuperstar:
sbalesuperstar Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2011
You know, I never HAVE liked buying girly supplies mostly because of the check-out line because it always seems so awkward, but I could totally buy these with pride. SOMEBODY MAKE THESE NOW.
Reply
:iconvaumn:
Vaumn Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2011
hahaha that and the text; you are wonderfull!! love it love it love it! :D
Reply
:iconfreelancerwolfy:
FreelancerWolfy Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I would buy those.
Reply
:iconzhon:
Zhon Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2011  Professional Artisan Crafter
All the tomboys like me would buy these!!!
Reply
:iconthornwitch1:
Thornwitch1 Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2011
I would SO buy those. And if I didn't share a bathroom with a house-mate, I would buy that print and (yes) hang it in my bathroom.
Reply
:iconcat-of-the-skies:
Cat-of-the-Skies Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2011
Market the crap out of this because I want to see it picked up. I would SO buy these.
Reply
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